Party of a Lifetime
“As the eldest of five sisters, I found reading Little Women a rather traumatic experience. All through my teen years and into my late 20’s, I had an intense fear that number five was going to die. Horribly coincidentally, she was not incredibly healthy. You can imagine my distress and paranoia! My college roommate finally told me off, “Get over yourself! It’s just an irrational superstitious fear thing.” Seeing as I was always telling her to get over herself, I thought it only fair that I listened to her for once.
Number two always acted more mature and adult-like, smirking at my innocent lack of sophistication. Nothing ever fazed her; a boss we both once simultaneously worked for wondrously pondered aloud during a staff meeting: “How can one sister be so worldly and sophisticated…” (a pointed glance at my sister) “… and one sister, well, so, different…” (a studious gaze everywhere but near me). The subsequent roar of laughter from our colleagues did not endear him to me.
Number three is absolutely brilliant, straight A’s, perfect pitch, phenomenal violinist and photographic memory. If I didn’t love her so much I would be jealous to death.
Number four, well, she was a cutie pie and forever my little baby sister. She was someone who grandparents, parents, friends, teachers and children loved to pieces. She used to drag a little baby doll around, scolded her, loved her and taught her the way her three big sisters did her. When she told me that she finally bought and ran her own day care, I knew she found her calling!
Number five is just a little angel who wouldn’t hurt a fly. She’s gentle with everyone, so all who meet her love her. I always count my lucky stars that mum and dad decided to keep this little accident.
If one of two, three, four or five is reading this aloud now to you now, it means one of two things: 1) I didn’t make it back and someone found my list of people to invite to my party of a lifetime and you are now hanging out in my condo, going through my pictures, or 2) you are a descendent, we’re all long gone and you’re listening to your grandmother reading my book that was finally published post-humorously.
In any case, I wanted to take this opportunity to celebrate my life so far. I’m not afraid of death, although, I have to be honest and admit that I’m rather in fear of pain. Although only 38, I have lived my life with no regrets and have left no stones unturned. I’ve been to Paris, I’ve bungee jumped, I’ve written a motivational book that sold 300,000 copies in Canada, I adopted a little girl from China, I’ve fallen in love twice, I’ve worked all over the world, I’ve obtained two master’s degrees, I’ve run a marathon and I’ve made, kept and loved many wonderful friends.
If you’re listening carefully, you’ll know that you are not to mourn my passing, because there is nothing to grieve for. My life was the best that it could possibly be… and at any one time, I was able to do what I loved; and I always loved what I was doing. If you could be so lucky, you would understand why pursuit of happiness was not a pastime of mine – there was no need to strive for something I could take for granted.
I have surrounded myself with counsel of the utmost integrity and intelligence. It’s hard to believe that such a level of wit, astuteness, love and honesty could exist in one collection of friends, albeit all over the world, from San Francisco to Beijing, from London to New York, from Sydney to Stockholm… true friendship and candid feedback was only ever an email or phone call away. Once I stopped fearing failure, I rarely requested assistance in making decisions; but the knowledge that I had so much to lean on was an overwhelmingly reassuring thought at the back of my mind.
I have been incredibly blessed with a family that is to write home about, to die for and to praise. I am so proud of each and every one of my sisters as well as my mother and father, who sacrificed so much for their five kids. When I felt that I could not be any happier than I already was, a blessing came in the form of Ming.
Please know that I’m where I want to be, I have been and always will be in a good place. Take care, live in peace and do not waste precious time away by being unhappy.”
Eighteen-year old Ming put down the piece of paper, smiled through her tears and looked up at the people gathered in her mother’s condo. There were Auntie and Uncle Two with their 3 kids, Auntie and Doctor Three with their son, cute Auntie and Uncle Four, and baby Auntie Five with her boyfriend. Grandpa and grandma sat quietly in a corner, wearing all black – grandpa with his usual stern look. Her mother’s best friends from all over the world held each other, trying to comfort each other, outdoing each other with stories of her mother’s adventures.
“Thanks so much for coming, I know that many of you came from as far as away as a flight of over 24 hours! It’s strange to see you all in one room, because I’m only ever used to seeing you in your own habitat… it’s incredibly weird to see you here in Toronto, in Mom’s place. Mom wrote this note 3 years ago before the operation, before the coma. The past three years have been incredibly difficult for me and for the family. I miss her so much and wish that I could share so many things with her. In fact, I still do. I talk to her everyday… I laugh and cry, the way I did when she was here and even while she was in the coma.
Mom was a strange bird. She had so much love, I think, she didn’t even really know what to do with it. Her students adored her so much, they were still coming to see her in the hospital long after they graduated. She had so much passion for helping people and wanting them to find their path of life… she was pretty much ‘on’ at all times and was seldom too tired to listen to a friend in need. When I was 10, she started sending money to the Guangzhou orphanage I stayed at, having been abandoned there as a baby. Due to my imperfection, no one wanted to adopt me and Mom’s money came to me. I started writing her letters and began my lessons in English, and in life.
Within the year, she came to get me and brought me to Canada. She relentlessly polished my English and cultural knowledge until all was perfect. My university friends can’t believe that I’ve only been here for 7 years. I never had to take ESL classes, because Mom tutored me at home, making sure that I understood everything… from Shakespeare to Einstein.
You’re here because she had this list of her best friends; and there were instructions to invite you to a party of a lifetime. She liked bringing people together and she wanted everyone to have fun at the party. She also had a List of 99. You know, I had a chance to go through it last night and realized that she managed to cross off 51 items… how many people can say that they have laid out things they wanted to accomplish in life and then went out to do them? You know what number 52 is? It says: have a fun funeral where family and best friends come together to party it up. Mom, I’m crossing this off, because well, here we are and doggone it, we’re going to have fun. I love you.”
Ming looked up and saw that everyone was smiling through their tears. She cocked her head to one side and declared: “Party ON, as Mom would say. And… thanks for coming, I think she would have enjoyed this little party.”
Christopher stood up, walked up to Ming and gave her a hug. “Hi Ming, that was lovely… how are you holding up?”
“I’m okay, thanks. I have to laugh, though, whenever I go through her stuff. She was crazy and seemed to find humour in just about everything. I was finally able to read her journal and ended up laughing so hard, my stomach hurt and I couldn’t stand up. Grandma joined me at one point and couldn’t help laughing at the mess that Mom got herself into all the time. And you? I know that you and Mom stopped talking a year before her operation.”
“Ming, you know, your mom was unique and we had a very special relationship. She was always in my heart, but I just couldn’t get it together, not even for her, not even with her support. I don’t think she ever could forgive me for not accepting her help. But I know she knew, and I need you to know, I loved her very much.”
Ming gave him a hug and thanked him for his kind words.
A small group of 5 men squatted by the coffee table and proceeded to play poker, “Good guys, bad guys,” announced the dealer, “That was her favourite version.”
“You’ve got to be joking,” mumbled another, “she liked Russian poker the best, and we have 5 people, that means one of us doesn’t get to play or else we need two decks.”
Ming smiled at the familiar scene that used to play itself out every other Friday night at that very table.
At the piano, Auntie Three and Four were playing all of her mother’s favourite songs. Auntie Two held her youngest girl and sang softly. Auntie Five sat by them lost in her thoughts. Grandma hummed the songs and patted Ming’s hands, “Your mom wouldn’t want to see your tears, you know. She would want you to laugh or sing or dance. I know my daughter. One day she said to me that she didn’t fear death; she just wanted to make sure that her loved ones could celebrate her life, rather than mourn her death. Your mom…” Grandma’s eyes filled with tears, “Your mom, she was always so strong and independent; but inside, you know, she was a softie who couldn’t bear seeing anyone in pain. She had a soft spot for many people and worked so hard for other people.”
“Grandma?”
“Hm, yes, my dear.”
“Why did mom have to go? Didn’t she do so much good that it was better to have her here in this world, rather than take her away to who knows where?”
“Sweetie, I can’t answer that, but you should pay attention to the message she’s trying to give us. Life is short, dear, and we have to live it to the fullest, with no regrets.”
“But I’m mad, grandma, how could she leave me? I need her!”
“Ming, you mother did not choose to leave you, but she did prepare for the chance she might, and she left you with many tools to deal with life’s many challenges. You’ll be fine. We will all miss her, but she wanted us to remember her with a smile on our faces, not with sadness. Okay?”
“Okay.” Ming hugged her grandmother and bravely mustered up a smile. The smile quickly faded. Exhausted, she leaned against her mother’s mother and, finally, gave in to the tears.
A small group of friends stood in the kitchen and reminisced about the bad cooking they all had to put up with at one point or another when rooming together in college, “Did you remember her cucumber casserole?! I couldn’t believe that she expected us to eat that! I ended up making some cup of noodles, you?”
A few of girls from her ice hockey and beach volleyball teams awkwardly stood in the balcony, watching the downtown traffic downstairs. Suddenly, one of them laughed hysterically; in between gulping for air, she recounted for everyone the time their friend flashed her sports bra at the opposing team of guys in order to score the winning goal to win the prize money for their charity. Shaking their heads and laughing, they fought each other for airtime to top each other with various stories from the winter and summer sports that she loved to play. Over time, the stories no long centrally starred their friend. The conversation topics transitioned into their daily lives and tribulations.
Ming wiped her eyes dry, went to each person, hugged them and went back to her room. She shut the door behind her and sat down to her computer.
To: Mommy
From: Ming
Date: October 10, 2002
Subject: Mom, I love you and miss you
Dear Mom,
Don’t worry about me. I can feel you here in my heart and know that you definitely live among your friends. Thank you for all that you stand for and all that you are… I’m so lucky to have had a few years with you, but I’m still angry with you for leaving me to do this by myself. Auntie Two wants me to live with them and I sort of want to live with Grandma and Grandpa, but don’t really want to move away from here, away from the life we had together. It’s going to be awfully hard to do this, but I’m going to make you proud of me. I promise you that. I’ll write soon.
Lovingly,
Your daughter,
Ming
PS I hope you don’t mind, I had to be the one to read your note aloud, so you were wrong about 1 and 2!
Number two always acted more mature and adult-like, smirking at my innocent lack of sophistication. Nothing ever fazed her; a boss we both once simultaneously worked for wondrously pondered aloud during a staff meeting: “How can one sister be so worldly and sophisticated…” (a pointed glance at my sister) “… and one sister, well, so, different…” (a studious gaze everywhere but near me). The subsequent roar of laughter from our colleagues did not endear him to me.
Number three is absolutely brilliant, straight A’s, perfect pitch, phenomenal violinist and photographic memory. If I didn’t love her so much I would be jealous to death.
Number four, well, she was a cutie pie and forever my little baby sister. She was someone who grandparents, parents, friends, teachers and children loved to pieces. She used to drag a little baby doll around, scolded her, loved her and taught her the way her three big sisters did her. When she told me that she finally bought and ran her own day care, I knew she found her calling!
Number five is just a little angel who wouldn’t hurt a fly. She’s gentle with everyone, so all who meet her love her. I always count my lucky stars that mum and dad decided to keep this little accident.
If one of two, three, four or five is reading this aloud now to you now, it means one of two things: 1) I didn’t make it back and someone found my list of people to invite to my party of a lifetime and you are now hanging out in my condo, going through my pictures, or 2) you are a descendent, we’re all long gone and you’re listening to your grandmother reading my book that was finally published post-humorously.
In any case, I wanted to take this opportunity to celebrate my life so far. I’m not afraid of death, although, I have to be honest and admit that I’m rather in fear of pain. Although only 38, I have lived my life with no regrets and have left no stones unturned. I’ve been to Paris, I’ve bungee jumped, I’ve written a motivational book that sold 300,000 copies in Canada, I adopted a little girl from China, I’ve fallen in love twice, I’ve worked all over the world, I’ve obtained two master’s degrees, I’ve run a marathon and I’ve made, kept and loved many wonderful friends.
If you’re listening carefully, you’ll know that you are not to mourn my passing, because there is nothing to grieve for. My life was the best that it could possibly be… and at any one time, I was able to do what I loved; and I always loved what I was doing. If you could be so lucky, you would understand why pursuit of happiness was not a pastime of mine – there was no need to strive for something I could take for granted.
I have surrounded myself with counsel of the utmost integrity and intelligence. It’s hard to believe that such a level of wit, astuteness, love and honesty could exist in one collection of friends, albeit all over the world, from San Francisco to Beijing, from London to New York, from Sydney to Stockholm… true friendship and candid feedback was only ever an email or phone call away. Once I stopped fearing failure, I rarely requested assistance in making decisions; but the knowledge that I had so much to lean on was an overwhelmingly reassuring thought at the back of my mind.
I have been incredibly blessed with a family that is to write home about, to die for and to praise. I am so proud of each and every one of my sisters as well as my mother and father, who sacrificed so much for their five kids. When I felt that I could not be any happier than I already was, a blessing came in the form of Ming.
Please know that I’m where I want to be, I have been and always will be in a good place. Take care, live in peace and do not waste precious time away by being unhappy.”
Eighteen-year old Ming put down the piece of paper, smiled through her tears and looked up at the people gathered in her mother’s condo. There were Auntie and Uncle Two with their 3 kids, Auntie and Doctor Three with their son, cute Auntie and Uncle Four, and baby Auntie Five with her boyfriend. Grandpa and grandma sat quietly in a corner, wearing all black – grandpa with his usual stern look. Her mother’s best friends from all over the world held each other, trying to comfort each other, outdoing each other with stories of her mother’s adventures.
“Thanks so much for coming, I know that many of you came from as far as away as a flight of over 24 hours! It’s strange to see you all in one room, because I’m only ever used to seeing you in your own habitat… it’s incredibly weird to see you here in Toronto, in Mom’s place. Mom wrote this note 3 years ago before the operation, before the coma. The past three years have been incredibly difficult for me and for the family. I miss her so much and wish that I could share so many things with her. In fact, I still do. I talk to her everyday… I laugh and cry, the way I did when she was here and even while she was in the coma.
Mom was a strange bird. She had so much love, I think, she didn’t even really know what to do with it. Her students adored her so much, they were still coming to see her in the hospital long after they graduated. She had so much passion for helping people and wanting them to find their path of life… she was pretty much ‘on’ at all times and was seldom too tired to listen to a friend in need. When I was 10, she started sending money to the Guangzhou orphanage I stayed at, having been abandoned there as a baby. Due to my imperfection, no one wanted to adopt me and Mom’s money came to me. I started writing her letters and began my lessons in English, and in life.
Within the year, she came to get me and brought me to Canada. She relentlessly polished my English and cultural knowledge until all was perfect. My university friends can’t believe that I’ve only been here for 7 years. I never had to take ESL classes, because Mom tutored me at home, making sure that I understood everything… from Shakespeare to Einstein.
You’re here because she had this list of her best friends; and there were instructions to invite you to a party of a lifetime. She liked bringing people together and she wanted everyone to have fun at the party. She also had a List of 99. You know, I had a chance to go through it last night and realized that she managed to cross off 51 items… how many people can say that they have laid out things they wanted to accomplish in life and then went out to do them? You know what number 52 is? It says: have a fun funeral where family and best friends come together to party it up. Mom, I’m crossing this off, because well, here we are and doggone it, we’re going to have fun. I love you.”
Ming looked up and saw that everyone was smiling through their tears. She cocked her head to one side and declared: “Party ON, as Mom would say. And… thanks for coming, I think she would have enjoyed this little party.”
Christopher stood up, walked up to Ming and gave her a hug. “Hi Ming, that was lovely… how are you holding up?”
“I’m okay, thanks. I have to laugh, though, whenever I go through her stuff. She was crazy and seemed to find humour in just about everything. I was finally able to read her journal and ended up laughing so hard, my stomach hurt and I couldn’t stand up. Grandma joined me at one point and couldn’t help laughing at the mess that Mom got herself into all the time. And you? I know that you and Mom stopped talking a year before her operation.”
“Ming, you know, your mom was unique and we had a very special relationship. She was always in my heart, but I just couldn’t get it together, not even for her, not even with her support. I don’t think she ever could forgive me for not accepting her help. But I know she knew, and I need you to know, I loved her very much.”
Ming gave him a hug and thanked him for his kind words.
A small group of 5 men squatted by the coffee table and proceeded to play poker, “Good guys, bad guys,” announced the dealer, “That was her favourite version.”
“You’ve got to be joking,” mumbled another, “she liked Russian poker the best, and we have 5 people, that means one of us doesn’t get to play or else we need two decks.”
Ming smiled at the familiar scene that used to play itself out every other Friday night at that very table.
At the piano, Auntie Three and Four were playing all of her mother’s favourite songs. Auntie Two held her youngest girl and sang softly. Auntie Five sat by them lost in her thoughts. Grandma hummed the songs and patted Ming’s hands, “Your mom wouldn’t want to see your tears, you know. She would want you to laugh or sing or dance. I know my daughter. One day she said to me that she didn’t fear death; she just wanted to make sure that her loved ones could celebrate her life, rather than mourn her death. Your mom…” Grandma’s eyes filled with tears, “Your mom, she was always so strong and independent; but inside, you know, she was a softie who couldn’t bear seeing anyone in pain. She had a soft spot for many people and worked so hard for other people.”
“Grandma?”
“Hm, yes, my dear.”
“Why did mom have to go? Didn’t she do so much good that it was better to have her here in this world, rather than take her away to who knows where?”
“Sweetie, I can’t answer that, but you should pay attention to the message she’s trying to give us. Life is short, dear, and we have to live it to the fullest, with no regrets.”
“But I’m mad, grandma, how could she leave me? I need her!”
“Ming, you mother did not choose to leave you, but she did prepare for the chance she might, and she left you with many tools to deal with life’s many challenges. You’ll be fine. We will all miss her, but she wanted us to remember her with a smile on our faces, not with sadness. Okay?”
“Okay.” Ming hugged her grandmother and bravely mustered up a smile. The smile quickly faded. Exhausted, she leaned against her mother’s mother and, finally, gave in to the tears.
A small group of friends stood in the kitchen and reminisced about the bad cooking they all had to put up with at one point or another when rooming together in college, “Did you remember her cucumber casserole?! I couldn’t believe that she expected us to eat that! I ended up making some cup of noodles, you?”
A few of girls from her ice hockey and beach volleyball teams awkwardly stood in the balcony, watching the downtown traffic downstairs. Suddenly, one of them laughed hysterically; in between gulping for air, she recounted for everyone the time their friend flashed her sports bra at the opposing team of guys in order to score the winning goal to win the prize money for their charity. Shaking their heads and laughing, they fought each other for airtime to top each other with various stories from the winter and summer sports that she loved to play. Over time, the stories no long centrally starred their friend. The conversation topics transitioned into their daily lives and tribulations.
Ming wiped her eyes dry, went to each person, hugged them and went back to her room. She shut the door behind her and sat down to her computer.
To: Mommy
From: Ming
Date: October 10, 2002
Subject: Mom, I love you and miss you
Dear Mom,
Don’t worry about me. I can feel you here in my heart and know that you definitely live among your friends. Thank you for all that you stand for and all that you are… I’m so lucky to have had a few years with you, but I’m still angry with you for leaving me to do this by myself. Auntie Two wants me to live with them and I sort of want to live with Grandma and Grandpa, but don’t really want to move away from here, away from the life we had together. It’s going to be awfully hard to do this, but I’m going to make you proud of me. I promise you that. I’ll write soon.
Lovingly,
Your daughter,
Ming
PS I hope you don’t mind, I had to be the one to read your note aloud, so you were wrong about 1 and 2!
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